Wesley Crusher: He COULD Be Worse ::rewrite::
by Chloe Kompton
Summary: This is a parody about Wesley and his Gary Stu-ness, rewritten.
1. Welcome Aboard

**[Hello! This is a rewrite of something I wrote last year. The original can be found .net/s/4915425/1/Wesley_Crusher_He_COULD_Be_Worse :P I tried to keep it similar. Hope you enjoy the new one!]**

The _Enterprise_ was in orbit around the planet Earth, having just picked up Acting Ensign Wesley Crusher from his tests at Starfleet Academy. It had just picked up two rather unusual passengers, and was ready to break orbit.

---

Wes lay back on his bed, against a fluffy pillow, and closed his eyes. The tests had been physically tiring and emotionally draining. All he wanted to do was relax, and he'd just begun to do so when the doorbell buzzed. Twice.

He groaned and squeezed his eyes shut tighter, but to his annoyance the buzzer buzzed yet again.

"Cousin!" a girly voice squealed happily. "Cousin Wes! Are you in there?"

Wesley sat bolt upright, eyes wide. It couldn't be!

"Cousin!" called a deeper voice. "COUSIN!"

It was.

"Oh, no," Wesley groaned. He pressed his face against his hands. "Oh, no, no, no."

"WESLEY!" The voices began to get more insistent. "ARE YOU IN THERE?! WESLEY!"

"COME!" Wes screamed. He flopped back onto his bed, face buried in his pillow. "Ergh…"

The doors slid open, and two teenagers rushed in, a girl and a boy. They looked to be the same age- maybe sixteen or so- and had similar round facial structures, but the boy's hair was dark brown and the girl's golden blonde.

"Cousin!" the girl cried, rushing over to his bed. "Are you all right?"

She was dressed in an old-fashioned pink dress with white polka dots on it. Her long, curly hair had a bow on it that matched the dress perfectly.

"Yeah," Wes mumbled into the pillow. "I'm just..great."

The girl looked anxiously up at her twin. "I think he's sick!"

"Perhaps we should take him to sickbay!" he replied.

"No!" Wesley said, rolling over and sitting up. "I'm fine- see?"

"You look ghastly!" the boy said. The girl clapped both hands over her mouth. Wes groaned again.

His twin cousins, Gary Stu and Mary Sue, had to be the most irritating people in the universe. They were always winning awards, curing diseases, and generally doing everything better than Wes. He hated it. Whenever they were around, all his friends seemed to flock towards them, leaving him all alone- well, except for his cousins. They would never want him to be lonely.

And that was the other thing. They were so infuriatingly NICE! They never said anything bad to people, and everyone loved them. Normally, everyone loved Wes.

"Are you sure we shouldn't take him to sickbay?" Mary Sue asked her brother.

"I SAID, I'm FINE!" Wesley yelled. Mary Sue and Gary Stu both looked stricken. He sighed. "Sorry…look. How about…um." He thought for a second. "How about I show you around the ship?"

"YAY!" squeed Mary Sue. She jumped up and down, clapping her hands.

"Wes, that would be wonderful!" Gary Stu agreed. "But are you sure you are quite well enough to-"

"Yes," Wes said shortly, already regretting his impulsive decision. "Come on." He gestured at the door.

"No!" the twins chirped in cheerful unison. "After you! We insist!"

With a slight involuntary eye twitch, Wesley walked out the door.


	2. Engineering

This had been the worst idea ever.

Wesley stalked into Engineering, fuming silently. His twin cousins skipped along behind him, chattering and gasping as they looked at all the amazing new sights.

"Oh my, what a wonderful ship you have!" Mary Sue sighed.

"Yes, it is quite spectacular!" agreed Gary Stu.

Wesley pursed his lips. "I'm glad you like it."

"It's not exactly his ship," said a friendly voice from a little ways over. "He just helps run it."

Wes looked over and smiled when he saw Lieutenant Geordi LaForge raising his eyebrows at him and his cousins. "Hi, Geordi."

"Hi," Geordi replied, walking over to them. He gave Wes a nod, then turned his attention to Mary Sue and Gary Stu. He held his hand out for a handshake. "I'm Lieutenant Geordi LaForge. It's nice to meet you, um…?"

"Oh, it's a _pleasure_ to meet you as well!" Mary Sue gushed, immediately reaching out and pumping his hand up and down. "I'm Mary Sue, and this is my twin brother Gary Stu! We're Wesley's cousins, and he's being kind enough to give us a tour of the ship." She beamed at him, and Geordi grinned back, her enthusiasm being contagious.

"Well, glad to have you onboard," he said. "I hope you're liking the ship so far?"

"Oh, we just _love_ the ship!" Gary Stu chimed in. "It's so big! So beautiful! And wow…you must make it all run!" The twins both stared up at Geordi with adoring eyes. Geordi kept grinning, and Wesley winced.

"I'm really sorry, sir," he said. "I didn't mean to disrupt your work…we'll go on and be out of your way."

"No!" Geordi said. "No, Wes, it's fine. It's great to see such inquisitive and bright young minds!"

"It is?" Wesley asked, feeling slightly sick. This was what he had been afraid of. Back on Earth, when he had been in the same third grade class with his cousins, they had always been the ones to be first picked in gym class and the teacher had always picked one of them to be line leaders, not to mention they had always gotten the highest grades in the class. Wesley had been so glad when he had moved away the next summer (although his cousins hadn't been—they baked him cookies and cried on each other's shoulders for a week).

"Yes!" Geordi said. "Wes, you should try to be more like Gary Stu. He's just so…so _insightful_."

"That's funny," Wes muttered, looking puzzled. "Usually the voices in my head tell me _not_ to be such a Gary Stu."

"Oh, but he's _right_, Lieutenant!" Mary Sue said, a slight pout prominent in her voice. "We're disrupting your _work_! And we're just so sorry." She looked miserable.

"Yes," her brother said, looking just as miserable. "We really should be going! Thank you so much for your time!"

"Any time," Geordi said, looking disappointed. "Hope you like the rest of the ship." As he turned to go, he shot Wesley a glance over his shoulder that plainly read: _It's your fault_.

We frowned, biting his lip. He looked at his cousins, wondering if they would also be mad at him, but their faces had already resumed their normal overly cheerful expressions.

"Where are we going now?" Mary Sue chirped. "I hope it's as lovely as Engineering is!"

"I don't know," Wes said with a shrug. He hadn't exactly planned a tour for them. "Um…how about the holodeck?"

"OOH!" the twins shrieked together, so loud that Wes winced and several officers looked over at them in surprise.

"Sorry!" Mary Sue squeaked, covering her mouth. "It's just that we've always wanted to see a holodeck!"

"Oh, yes!" Gary Stu exclaimed, throwing his arms around Wesley in a hug that made him squeeze his arms tightly against his sides and his face redden. "Thank you so much, Wes! You're the best cousin ever!"

Wes nodded, hoping no one was watching this. "Uh-huh…so…let's go."

Gary Stu let go of him, and Wes rushed out of Engineering as fast as he could, heading for the nearest holodeck. Gary Stu and Mary Sue skipped after him, and the officers that had heard the squeal and seen the hug stared after them for a moment, then shook their heads and went back to work.


	3. Worf

They were greeting everyone that passed by them in the hallways. Mary Sue and Gary Stu, that is. Wesley was speed-walking, hoping no one would realize he was with them.

But then Mary Sue would say, "Hi! I'm Mary Sue, and this is my twin brother Gary Stu. And that's my cousin Wes!" And whomever she was speaking to would give Mary Sue and Gary Stu a polite smile, always, and Wes a dirty look for looking embarrassed to be related to them. It was third grade all over again.

When they finally reached the corridor that housed Holodeck 4, Wes was relieved to see it was empty. But then a figure turned the corner from the other side before stopping outside the holodeck, and he felt like he was going to be ill.

"Hi!" Mary Sue called as they approached Lieutenant Worf, who gave the three of them a tolerant glare. Wes hid a smile— at least Worf wouldn't fall for his cousins' stupid 'charm'. "I'm Mary Sue. This is my twin brother Gary Stu and my cousin Wesley!" She gave Worf a large grin, and Wes was pleased to see he did not return it.

"I am pleased to meet you," Worf said, and gave Wesley a terse nod. "Ensign."

Wesley gave him a grin.

"Is this the holodeck?" Gary Stu asked in awe, placing his hand on the metal door.

"Yes," Worf answered. "I am about to go in to complete a new training program that Lieutenant LaForge designed for me."

"Ooh, Lieutenant LaForge!" Mary Sue gushed. "We met him!"

"What kind of training program?" Gary Stu asked.

"One that will test my abilities as a warrior," Worf answered without really giving an answer, but Mary Sue and Gary Stu did not seem to mind his evasiveness.

"Oh my _gosh_!" Mary Sue gasped. "You're a _warrior_? So are we!"

"What?" Wesley and Worf asked at the same time.

"We are!" Gary Stu said. He flexed an arm, and a bicep bulged. Wesley made a face. "We'd be honored to fight you, sir!"

Worf let out one of his rare laughs. "_You_? Fight _me_? You are mere children!"

"Yes, sir, children," Mary Sue explained, "but warrior children! We have been trained in twenty different forms of martial arts! And we are grandmasters in all twenty!"

"When was this?" Wesley asked. Everyone ignored him.

Worf looked vaguely impressed. "I will have to attempt my new training program another day." He stepped over to the computer. "Initiate program Worf Seven."

The computer beeped in acknowledgement. "Enter when ready."

Worf gave the twins a scrutinizing look. "We shall see if you are as good as you claim." And with that, he walked into the holodeck. Mary Sue and Gary Stu gave Wesley looks that were filled with excitement and glee before practically running in after Worf.

Wesley rolled his eyes after they had entered. "This should be quick." There was no way his cousins could beat a Klingon warrior, and even though he didn't really like them, he didn't want to see them beaten up. So he leaned against the wall with his arms folded across his chest and waited.


	4. The Great Battle

It had been a while since Mary Sue and Gary Stu had gone into the holodeck to fight Worf. Almost fifteen minutes. Wesley let out an annoyed sigh, still leaning against the wall, and wished he had a watch or something. He hadn't expected Worf's victory to take so long.

After a few more minutes, Wes decided to go in to see what was going on. But just as he turned to face the holodeck, the door opened, and Wesley gaped with shock when he saw what was coming out.

It was Worf, of course, still standing, but with a black eye and being supported by both the twins. The twins that looked tiny next to him. How could they possibly have—

"How could you possibly have beaten Worf?" Wes asked, so loudly and so shrilly that it was almost a yell.

Worf moved his head to lock eyes with Wesley. He gave him a fierce glare and said, "They are true warriors."

"We're soooooo sorry," Mary Sue said. She looked and sounded horrendously sad. "We didn't mean to hurt him at all. It's just that sometimes our strength surprises even ourselves…"

"Of course it does!" Wesley muttered. He began to beat his head against the wall. "Nnnnnn…"

"Wes!" the twins cried in unison, letting go of Worf and racing to pull their cousin away from the wall. For his part, Worf remained standing on his own.

"What?" Wesley snapped as they yanked him away from the wall. "Whaaaaaaat?"

"Wesley!" Mary Sue gasped. "You are exhibiting compulsive behaviors!"

"What?" Wes snorted. "That's ridiculous."

"No, Wes!" Gary Stu cried. "It is not! We've read it in all our psychology books…we subscribe to 'Psychology Monthly', you know!"

"So what-?" Wes started to ask.

"So it's well-known that banging your head against objects is a terribly bad sign!" Mary Sue said, her blue eyes misty with concerned tears for her beloved cousin. "We must take you to the counselor's office at once! Maybe she can help you!"

"What?" Wesley protested. "I don't need to talk to Deanna!"

"You don't think you do," Gary Stu said, his face grave and his eyes worried, "but we know you do. The ones that need help the most never know how to admit it to themselves…'Psychology Monthly' recommends staging an intervention."

Wesley started to protest further, but his cousins ignored him. Mary Sue turned her attention to Worf. "Will you be quite all right? Can you get to sickbay by yourself?"

At that, Worf straightened up. "I am a warrior. I have no need for a _doctor_." He said 'doctor' like it was a dirty word.

"Then we'll leave you," she said, giving him a beam. "Thank you for being so kind and understanding about us needing to take care of our cousin!"

Worf nodded. "I…enjoyed our encounter. Perhaps we should attempt a rematch sometime in the future, after I have had a chance to hone my skills in an attempt to match yours." He gave her a smile back, although it was stiff. "You have given me something to strive for. I can only hope that someday, I will be as skilled as you and your brother are."

Both twins gave a modest blush.

"We enjoyed the fight as well, sir!" Gary Stu said. "We hope to see you the next time we are on the _Enterprise_." And with that, he and his sister began to steer Wesley, who had realized trying to talk his way out of this was useless, down the hallway towards Deanna's office.

"Bye, Mr. Worf! It was fun!" Mary Sue chirped over her shoulder.

Worf's stiff smile remained as they turned the corner.

"It is truly rare to meet such incredible fighters," he said to himself, and with the smile still there, turned and headed for the turbolift so he could head for sickbay. Although he had not wanted to admit it to the incredible warriors or their pesky cousin, they had wounded him rather badly.

"I don't _want_ to be here!" Wesley protested when his cousins had reached the counselor's office with him. "I don't _need_ to be here!"

The twins gave him sickeningly sympathetic glances.

"Wes, we know you're afraid…" Mary Sue began.

"I'm not afraid!" Wes said. "I just don't need any help!"

"…but don't worry," Gary Stu finished, "we'll be right there with you!"

Wes gave an inward groan. He had been hoping to make a break for it after his cousins left. "That really isn't necessary-"

"Oh, we insist!" the twins cried in unison. Mary Sue reached out and tapped the buzzer. Wes leaned forward and started banging his head against the wall again as the door hissed open.

"Wes!" cried the twins in horror. They reached out and pulled him away from the wall, each grabbing one shoulder, and steered him into Deanna's office.


	5. WTF, they're PSYCHIC now?

Counselor Deanna Troi looked up as the door to her office hissed open. Her understanding smile faded a bit into an uncomprehending one as two children walked in, dragging a scowling Wesley Crusher behind them.

"Are you Counselor Troi?" the girl asked in a worried voice. And she was truly worried. Deanna could tell, because, as she enjoyed reminding people, she was half-Betazoid.

Deanna smiled and nodded. "Yes, I am. What can I do for you?"

The girl looked relieved, and Deanna was proud she could do so much for people with just a few words. She truly was a great counselor.

"I'm Mary Sue," the girl said, "and this is my twin brother Gary Stu and our cousin Wesley." She indicated the two boys next to her.

"She already KNOWS my name," Wesley snapped.

Deanna winced as she focused on Wes and felt the angry emotions radiating off him.

"Wes, you're angry and upset…" she began.

A sudden gasp from the twins cut her off.

"How does she KNOW that?" Gary Stu gaped.

Wesley stared at him. "Are you kidding me? It's kind of obvious!"

"I am an empath," Deanna informed Gary Stu and Mary Sue, ignoring Wesley. She was grateful for a chance to tell of her incredible abilities to someone who did not already know—and not just one someone, TWO! "I can sense the emotions of others. My mother was Betazoid and my father was human."

"Wow!" cried Mary Sue. "You're part Betazoid too?"

Deanna looked puzzled. "'Too'?" What did she mean, 'too'? No one else could be part Betazoid. Being part Betazoid was what made her SPECIAL, damn it!

Gary Stu nodded in earnest. "We're one-eighth Betazoid! We've found that we can communicate with other telepaths!"

"_Really_," Deanna thought at Gary Stu and Mary Sue.

"_Really!_"the twins sent back in unison, beaming.

Deanna smiled.

Wesley had been sitting on the couch for fifteen minutes, watching silent conversations between his cousins and Counselor Troi.

_Damn couch,_ he thought angrily.

At last, Deanna turned from his cousins to look at him. After getting to know them better, she had realized that they were just as special as she was, and she no longer felt threatened by them being special in the same way she was. Who knows? Maybe she would even get the chance to serve with them someday. "Wesley, from what your cousins have told me, you seem to have severe anger issues. I suggest we meet once a week to discuss this."

"_I DO NOT HAVE ANGER ISSUES!_" Wes screamed, jumping to his feet. It felt good to scream away the frustrations of the day, but when he saw the counselor and his cousins staring at him in stunned silence, he realized that that hadn't been the best idea and sighed. "Look, Counselor, I just…don't think that's really necessary."

Deanna gave Wesley a stern glance. She knew just how to handle stubborn children—how many times had she had to deal with the captain, after all? She knew who was _really_ running this ship. "Now Wes, do I have to speak to your mother?"

"No!" Wesley groaned. "Fine! I'll be back in a week." And with that, he stalked out. The twins gave each other worried glances before racing after him.

"Wes! Wait up!" Gary Stu pleaded.

"What do you want NOW?" Wes groaned as he turned around.

"Wesley, we only want what's best for you!" Mary Sue said.

Wes stared at them. "You have GOT to be kidding me."

The twins looked at him with large, imploring eyes, and Wesley had to sigh. "Oh, _fine_."

The faces of Gary Stu and Mary Sue immediately brightened. "Oh, thank you, Wes, thank you!"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever," muttered Wesley.

"Can we…keep going on the tour?" Mary Sue asked timidly. She brushed her blonde hair back behind her ear.

Wesley rolled his eyes. "Fine. Whatever. Have you guys talked to my mom yet?"

The twins shook their heads.

"But Wes, it'd sure be dandy if we could see Aunt Beverly!" Gary Stu said cheerfully.

Wes stared at him in disbelief. _'Dandy'?_

"Okay," he said out loud. "Sickbay's that way. Let's go."


End file.
